Voices of Violence: It Could Happen to Anyone
VOICES OF VIOLENCE includes anonymous stories submitted by readers of the Sin by Silence Blog. Click here to submit your story!
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I am a survivor of domestic violence. I am an educated, professional woman. If it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone! The reason women are silent about what is happening to them is because it is so humiliating. People always wonder “why they stay.” They stay because they are brainwashed, feel trapped, and love the “good side” of their abuser. Friends, family, even law enforcement and the legal system need to learn about domestic violence, and how it affects the women and children impacted by it. Women are further victimized by their families and the system by being blamed for their own abuse!
When you are in the cycle of abuse, there is an overwhelming feeling of despair, hopelessness and powerlessness. The abuser does all he can to encourage these beliefs. I was actually arrested for battery for spraying my abuser in the face with mace to protect myself! I am not saying that women in a violent relationship have no responsibility. I am saying they are not the primary aggressor and should not be treated as such. The laws need to change, the system needs to change, our collective attitude about domestic violence needs to change. It is human nature to defend yourself against potentially lethal force!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am also an educated, professional woman and a survivor of domestic violence. The humiliation and shame that I have experienced is huge. I did the right thing and went to a Domestic Violence shelter with our 2-year-old to protect her from exposure to anymore violence. I lost my home, security, all of my possessions–and I mean ALL except a diaper bag. My losses were not legal or ethical. While in the shelter my name was taken off the title of our home, all of the equity was taken out and stolen by my ex so that I was stuck with splitting the debt. (Legally,no assets are allowed to be touched when a spouse is in a domestic violence shelter….but it was done.)
There were NO consequences to my violent ex. I have permanent hearing loss, back/neck injuries and other permanent ailments from the head trauma his violence inflicted on me in addition to being strangled to unconsciousness on several occasions. (How embarrassing to admit, but case in point–it wasn’t enough to bring any consequences to him or to protect me and our daughter!!!!) This is often why we wait so long for the concrete evidence to be built up…and in my case, it wasn’t enough. He was able to torment, torture and leave me penniless with no negative consequences to him. Our daughter and I have lived on the run ever since with absolutely NO support in protecting our physical address. (He has always had an address /P.O.Box to contact us with, but always chooses the route of finding our physical address so that he can catch us alone…without witnesses.) In spite of a restraining order against him through 2099, I STILL am unable to keep my physical address off -record. In spite of my requests and the life-threatening consequences of my physical address being used…, my physical address confidentiality has been violated again and again and AGAIN. I have learned the hard way that there is no way to protect one’s physical address–ever!
So often in the news a woman will get a black-eye and the perpetrator will go to jail. For the real violent men, like my ex husband, they go to years of domestic violence classes (what I call “training” on how to do it better) and come out even more skilled at beating without leaving obvious marks–like head and back injuries–NEVER facial bruises as that is so ROOKIE!!
For more than 8 years I have tried every route I could to write letters and contact ANYONE who wanted to hear my story as I think it could show what REALLY goes on in the world of non-famous good mom’s who attempt to keep their children from exposure to violence. I did it because it was the right thing to do. Shame on society for misleading me into thinking there would be legal, and moral support out there for those who do the “right thing”. Okay “society”, you want to know why women don’t leave? Someone out there ask me… I have been told by many in the system that I have the worse case of injustice, as in “how it really works” that they have ever heard of. Women are legally slaughtered by their abusers. Helping women leave without providing legal help is…leaving them exposed to abuse and trauma that makes beatings look like a cakewalk….really. I dare anyone to respond to this. I am for real…. and really tired of wasting my breath on this topic. Truth is, we are NO BETTER off than we were in the old days of leaving with your suitcase and running. Now, I got to leave with a diaper bag AND pay $70,000 for an attorney to abuse me all over again by allowing my criminal ex to rob me of EVERYTHING and empower him to leave me running for my life with our daughter. Our poor daughter has been victimized all over again by having a father that beat and violated her mom, abandoned her and lives in the nest and life that her mom created for her. While we struggle to stay safe and are continuously looking over our shoulder… well, my confidential physical address was misused again this week–AGAIN after 8 years of violation…and I’m trying to teach my daughter to be strong. Our rights are violated again, the abuser gets rewarded and our daughter is victimized again as I live in unprotected fear for our lives. I dare anyone to talk to me and ask what happened… My facts are worthy of shedding some light on… Ask me why women continue to be killed?