People still ask why didn’t you leave, or just get a divorce. You’d think more than 25 years later that they’d realize or even get that doing either would NOT have stopped a lifetime of abuse.
Funny how it’s easier to blame the victim, than to offer help.
One must ask themselves if they put effort into helping rather than furthering the abuse with harsh words and criticism then maybe, just maybe, they could being to hear the pain.
Pain has many disguises, just as an abused survivor does. Of course, there’s one we share with those we love and care about, and then, when we’re alone in the quiet recesses of our own minds, we sometimes allow ourselves the chance to take a glimpse into what has become our past, NOT our present.
What no longer controls us and keeps us frozen. Instead, what makes us more determined, wiser, empowered.
Pain, fear, loneliness, isolation…what does this mean today? My past!!!!
Posted on March 25th, 2008 by admin
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Evil is the father of destruction and unfathomable pain.
Evil will plant the seed of immorality, and his son will keep it nourished.
Evil is the beast more horrendous than the name itself or what it could represent.
Evil is the ever-present shadow that blocks the sun.
Evil thrives on what his son will do to me and others.
Evil is controlling, with his iron fists, constricting, and dictating ways.
Evil almost broke my spirit and controlled my mind.
Posted on January 25th, 2008 by admin
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“In violence we forget who we are.” ~ Mary McCarthy
Never forget that you are a woman of worth! A woman that deserves respect! A woman that needs love!
Posted on January 14th, 2008 by admin
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I was at one point under a circumstance that cost me a lot. Today I cannot say I am complete because I am missing two wonderful beings that I miss so much and that I won’t be able to see again.
If you have a situation where you can not get out ask for help and don’t allow your self to get to a point that you are going to regret it all of your life.
Sometimes you stay with your spouse because you think you are doing a good thing for your kids but in all reality you are hurting them more.
Posted on November 26th, 2007 by admin
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I told my self I will try harder this time. This time would be different. This time things will change. I was wrong!
I want to stop. Stop everything. Stop beating my self up for a while. Sadly, time slips by. Too many fights, too many people waiting for me to fail, too many friends counting on me to leave. Haven’t I had enough yet? Time will tell.
No excuses. No apologies. No regrets.
Posted on November 12th, 2007 by admin
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Being woken up by a couple yelling at each other in an apartment building isn’t something new. But, it was 3am and the way this woman kept crying and saying “stop” wouldn’t let me go back to sleep. For, over 30 minutes, I laid there listening and debating if I should call 911. Maybe it really was nothing? Maybe they were just yelling at each other over something little? But, then again, maybe it really was something! I know that I would have never been able to fall back asleep knowing that I had done nothing.
The call to 911 was probably very humorous to the operator on the other end. “I’m sorry that I’m calling. It’s probably nothing. This is so stupid that I am calling. But, there is a couple fighting in an apartment somewhere above me and I just sense something is wrong. The woman repeatedly keeps pleading him to stop.” A few minutes later officers arrived at the building trying to figure out which door to knock on. Again, I repeatedly kept apologizing and saying “oh, it’s probably nothing.”
But, today, I am glad that I called the police because it really could have been something! I haven’t heard any arguments or yelling coming from that unknown apartment. Now, maybe that is a bad thing. Maybe I shouldn’t have called the police. But, I feel that this is the dilemma that a lot of people face when we sense that something might be wrong. But, I believe in not turning my back on something and pretending that nothing is wrong. I only hope that more people would do something too!
Posted on October 26th, 2007 by admin
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I was 6 years old the first time I saw my mother being abused. My father was screaming at her, calling her names, telling her how she was a nothing woman who was lucky to have him. Even at that young age, I knew that what I was seeing was wrong. But I was taught that parents are to be respected and never spoken to inappropriately no matter what, so I just went and sat in my room with my sister and pretended not to hear anything.
By the time I was 8, my mother had left him, but things just got worse and worse from there. He threw fits. Screamed and screamed that my mother was being a selfish bitch, that she had no right to leave him. He threatened suicide. When that didn’t work, he threatened to come after us instead. I can remember being this little kid sleeping on the floor of my mothers bedroom. Me, my sister and my mom all huddled together on the floor, trying to stay out of harms way by not sleeping exposed to a window. Next he came to the house and stole all of our clothes. He knew that by including my sister and I in his games that he was creating the ultimate torture for my Mom. The easiest way to hurt her is to hurt us. It went on like this for nearly a year.
Eventually he moved on. He realized that he was not going to be returning to our home no matter how hard he tried or what he threatened. But the damage remained.
I have never been able to forgive his actions. The words he used will be branded into my soul for the rest of my lifetime.
Because of him I do not have the ability to trust men, despite the fact that I have an extremely good and loyal boyfriend.
Because of him, I feel like I lost a part of my childhood that I will never get back.
My mother deserved better. My sister and I deserved better.
I’m glad that my mother was able to escape the relationship without losing her life or causing the end of someone else’s… I just wish that everyone could be so lucky.
Posted on October 25th, 2007 by admin
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Once upon a time there was a man whose presence evoked a fear in me that made me question who I was. Few know this part of my life, I am seen as a strong, opinionated woman and yet I was emotionally abused. When you are abused everything you do makes you think if what you are doing will stir him up. You check out the mood in the room he is in before you enter. You know when he stops by at work that it isn’t for the sweet reason’s he said to your co-workers, it’s to make you afraid. You look twice in the shadows to see if he is watching you & then you pray that you are where you said you would be at that specific moment of time.
My scars weren’t seen my many but they were seen by my child and that added to the art of self-loathing. Abuse can happen in many forms to anyone. I just never thought it would happen to me. Thank God that was a truth of my past.
Posted on October 15th, 2007 by admin
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